CHAPTER 03: Fighter

Makes me that much stronger
Makes me work a little bit harder
It makes me that much wiser
So thanks for making me a fighter
Made me learn a little bit faster
Made my skin a little bit thicker
Makes me that much smarter
So thanks for making me a fighter
- Christina Aguilera

My first week of class went pretty well. I managed to figure out where I was going most of the time with little trouble and got to all of my classes on time. It turned out that Jenna and I shared all of the classes that were a part of our major, and Rae, Jenna, Meg, Tasha, Candis, and I were all in Expository Writing together, as it was a general education requirement. Some of the professors seemed fairly nice while others were more than a little intimidating. Just looking over the syllabus for some of my courses was enough to make my head spin.

Luckily Bill was kind enough to give me my first week of class off to get settled in before I began working. And with the extra free time, Tasha suggested that we all go out on Friday night and do something together. At first most of us were at a loss of ideas, but since Candis was from the New York area, she suggested we visit a small karaoke bar. Jenna and I checked it out earlier in the day to make sure that we would be allowed in since none of us were old enough to drink, and as it turned out it was open to the public and looked more like a coffee shop than any bar I had encountered.

When Rae got in from her last class of the day, we both decided to start getting ready for our first night out on the town. In the few short days since Rae and I had met, we had become amazingly good friends. It was such a comfort to have someone to talk to about the whole college experience. One of my biggest worries had been that I would end up friendless and have no one to talk to. That worry had quickly diminished with each passing day because Rae seemed to be the perfect roommate for me.

I checked myself in the mirror in the bathroom and combed my fingers through my hair as my eyes drifted over my black t-shirt, which was adorn with a pink drum set and the words ‘I’m with the drummer’ in bold white print above it. I smiled to myself as I straightened my shirt. I found it amusing that I could wear the shirt in complete seriousness. At least Zac couldn’t accuse me of not letting guys know that I was taken.

“Ready to go yet?” Rae asked as she appeared at the bathroom door.

“Yep,” I replied, grabbing my purse off of the counter. “Let’s go.”

We met the others in the hallway and made out way to the elevator. A short walk, a subway ride, and other block later we found ourselves in front of FireLight. Candis led the way, and we found a booth at the back of the club. After ordering a pitcher of drinks, we sat back and watched at Tasha drug Jenna up to sing on the stage.

Jenna looked completely terrified as Tasha sang along with the music of “Wannabe” by the Spice Girls. I could see from the back of the room that Jenna’s knuckles had turned white from gripping the microphone so tight, and she simply stared at the small monitor that showed the words to the song.

“She did say she was a music major, didn’t she?” Rae asked, leaning over toward me with her eyes still on Jenna and Tasha.

“Yeah …” I nodded.

“Then I think she really needs to work on her public performances,” Rae whispered.

I glanced at her and I saw that she was grinning. I elbowed her in the side but couldn’t suppress a smile. “Hey, it’s not as easy as it looks,” I said.

“I guess,” Rae shrugged. “Are you gonna get up there and sing for us?”

I shrugged.

“Come on, Trip. You definitely should,” Meg said.

“We’ll see,” I sighed. I wasn’t feeling particularly brave. Granted, I wasn’t overly shy and didn’t mind performing in front of people in theory, it was still something that was fairly new to me. I still wasn’t comfortable with sharing any of the songs that I had written with anyone else. Zac had tried to get me to play something for him while I was with him on tour, but I just couldn’t gather enough courage to do it.

I knew I’d have to get over my fear at some point though. I just wanted to ease myself into it slowly. Whether I cared to admit it or not, I wasn’t nearly as confident as I made myself out to be. Sure, I considered myself fun and personable, but deep down there was always a sense of dread that I woulnd’t be well received by people.

I thought I hid it well for the most part, but Zac had been able to see through it. The time he’d yelled at me after the incident with Burke, he'd said that I was looking for everyone's approval, which was basically true, considering the only reason I'd went out with Burke in the first place was to try to please everyone else. At the time I’d been so confused about my feelings for Zac that I’d just taken the easy way out and did what my friends thought I should do. Burke was a great guy, and from what I could tell, my mother had approved him, which was something that rarely ever happened. And I knew that dating Zac would not be something people would expect from me.

It’s funny how people come to expect certain things from you. With my mother I never really knew what exactly it was that she expected from me. The good grades, hard work, and the praise from those who knew me best were never enough for her. Somehow she always made me feel inadequate no matter how hard I tried, so after years and years of trying to please my mother, it seemed as if I’d turned into this attention-craving girl who looked for any sense of approval there was.

However, over the summer my mother’s attitude seemed to shift slightly. She still wasn’t overly touchy-feely and didn’t hand out compliments all that often, but she did seem to let up on me some. Instead of badgering me about my future when I called home, she’d ask how things were going and seemed genuinely interested. Our last conversation before I left for New York had felt me feeling slightly shocked but happy nonetheless. Hearing her say that she believed in me seemed like the last piece of the puzzle I needed to confirm my decision to go away to college rather than staying close to home.

Despite my mother’s new attitude, I couldn’t help but resent her though. I couldn’t understand why she had to wait until I was leaving to warm up to me. Part of me wondered if maybe it was all just for show. Maybe she just really wanted to get me off of her hands and was willing to act as if she stood behind my decision even if she really didn’t.

I hated how my mother caused me so much confusion. Most kids knew that their parents would stand by them and believe in them without them ever having to say a word. Not my mother though. Most of the time I felt like she didn’t even like me let alone love me.

“So, what are you going to sing for us, Trip?” Rae asked, nudging me in the side. I glanced up and noticed for the first time that Jenna and Tasha were no longer on stage and Candis was no longer seated at the table. I scanned the room briefly but didn’t see them anywhere.

“Um … I don’t know,” I said, shaking my head in an attempt to remove all the heavy thoughts from my mind.

“Here’s the list,” Meg said, shoving the laminated paper into my hands.

I skimmed over the list of songs and at first nothing caught my eye, seeing as most of the songs were the typical karaoke songs and most of them got on my nerves. Finally my eyes rested on a song that seemed to fit hand in hand with how I was feeling.

“Found it,” I declared.

“Which song?” Rae asked eagerly.

“Fighter,” I replied. “By Christina Aguilera.”

Rae scrunched up her nose a bit to let me know that she wasn’t fond of either the song or performer, but I shrugged.

“Why’d you pick that?” Meg asked curiously.

“It reminds me of my mom,” I answered honestly.

“How so?” Meg asked, raising an eyebrow curiously.

“Well, whether she knows it or not, she’s definitely made me a fighter,” I explained with a shrug. I would have preferred to just leave it at that, but Rae and Meg were both looking at me as if they were waiting for me to elaborate. I closed my eyes for a second and took a deep breath. “My mom and I don’t get along so well,” I said.

“Why not?” Rae asked.

“I don’t think she likes me very much,” I answered honestly.

“Trip, that’s a terrible thing to say!” Meg exclaimed.

“Well, I don’t think she does,” I said. “No matter what I do, she finds fault in it. It’s like no matter how hard I try, I’m just a failure in her eyes.”

“She sounds like am uptight bitch,” Rae commented.

“Yeah, she kind of is,” I sighed. “I mean, sometimes I think she’s just trying to be like a typical mother and push me to do my best, but sometimes she just pushes way too hard. And like I said, it’s like I never do anything as well as she thinks I should.”

“That’s awful,” Meg frowned.

“Yeah, I know, but she seems to be getting better,” I said, thoughtfully. “She even gave a me pep talk before I left to come here.”

“Oh, so did mine,” Meg said. “And my dad gave me this huge lecture about not going out alone at night. I think he’s convinced that I’m going to be raped while I’m here.”

“Oh, that reminds me – Zac says that I have to get a can of mase,” I commented, rolling my eyes. “Apparently, he and your father have been thinking along the same lines.”

Meg cracked a smile and shook her head. “What are your parents like, Rae?” she asked.

“Well, my mom is by far the coolest mother in the world,” Rachael smiled. “She’s an artist too. She taught me everything I know about art. She’s amazing. Growing up, she was like my best friend, but at the same time she was still a mother to me. She’s just great. I don’t think words can even begin to describe her.”

“She sounds really nice,” I smiled.

“She is,” Rachael nodded. “You’ll have to meet her sometime.”

“What about your dad?” Meg asked curiously.

Rachael rolled her eyes, and I immediately knew that that wasn’t a good sign. “He’s a jackass,” she replied, shaking her head. “He left my mom and me when I was about two. He got remarried a year later to some skank wannabe actress. They have three sons and one daughter. He’s a lawyer and totally self-absorbed, so about the only time I ever hear from him is when he sends a birthday card with money stuffed inside or some stupid gift certificate at Christmas. He has a new life, and I’m not part of it,” she explained with a shrug.

I frowned. “I’m sorry, Rae.”

She shook her head and waved her hand around. “No worries,” she replied. “I got over it a long time ago.”

“Well, that still sucks,” Meg said. “That’s so stupid when that happens.”

“Well, the way I see it, he’s the one who’s missing out,” Rae shrugged. “After all, everyone else simply loves me,” she grinned.

“We sure do,” I smiled, elbowing her in the side.

“Now tell us about your dad,” Rae said to me.

“Well, I definitely think I’m more like him,” I replied. “He’s pretty laid back. I guess that I’m sort of a Daddy’s girl. Not as much as I used to be, but that’s only because I’ve grown up. I used to talk to him for hours about stuff when I younger, but now I don’t think he’d want to know a lot of what’s going on.”

“You’re talking about with Zac, aren’t you?” Meg grinned.

I laughed and nodded. “That’s definitely not something I want to go into depth with my dad about,” I replied. “I think he about had a heart attack when he heard that I was going with Zac on tour.”

I had told the rest of the girls about Zac later in the week when the subject of boyfriends had been broached. I didn’t see any point in trying to hide it since Zac would be coming to visit at some point, so they’d eventually find out who he was anyway. Since Rae’s reception of the news had gone exceptionally well, I figured that I might as well inform the others sooner rather than later.

“Why?” Meg asked, wide eyed.

“Well, obviously, we weren’t supervised every second we were together, so I think my dad might know,” I said.

“Know what?” Meg asked with a look of confusion.

I gave her an incredulous look and glanced at Rae who was grinning like a Cheshire cat.

“That they’d be doing it!” she exclaimed.

“Rae!” I cried as my face grew hot.

“Oh!” Meg replied as her eyes grew wide.

I sighed and shook my head. “I think I’m going to go sing my song now,” I said as I slid out of the booth.

I stood up slowly and walked over to the DJ and told him what song I wanted to sing. I watched as the person on the stage finished her song before I took the stage. I walked up to the microphone. The bright lights above the stage glared angrily down on me, and I immediately felt a thin sheet of sweat begin to build up on my upper lip. I wiped it away with the back of my left arm and tried to calm myself as I waited for the music to begin to play.

I glanced at the crowd in front of my and felt a slight sense of relief when I realized that most of them were too caught up in there own conversations to even notice me. I glanced at the back of the room where my new found friends were sitting and saw Rae give me a thumbs up as Meg and Jenna, who had apparently just returned to the table, both simply waved. I forced a smile as the music began to play.

At first I started out singing quietly, but as the song continued to play and my confidence grew, I found myself getting into the music. Something about performing was rather liberating once I got over the initial nervousness of the situation. But I figured I might as well throw caution to the wind and enjoy myself. I couldn’t possibly sound any worse than anyone else who sang, and at least I didn’t look like a deer caught in headlights as Jenna had.

I could hear the sounds of people cheering me on. I glanced back at my table and saw Rae standing up in the booth head banging foolishly, but I heard cheering coming from elsewhere. Upon looking around the small café, I spotted Candis and Tasha dancing and chanting ‘Go Trip!’ Apparently their cheers combined with my singing drew the attention of the other people, and soon everyone was looking up at the stage. I couldn’t deny that it felt unbelievable to have so many eyes on me.

As soon as the song finished, I stepped of the stage and headed back to the table, but my path was blocked suddenly by a tall guy with spiked blonde hair and eyes that would have given Taylor’s baby blues a run for their money.

“Hi,” he said as his full lips curled into a smile.

“Hey,” I replied, eyeing him curiously.

“You have a nice voice,” he commented.

“Thanks,” I replied, blushing.

“I’m Trent, by the way.”

“Trip,” I replied with a smile.

“That’s an interesting name,” he commented.

“It’s just a nickname,” I shrugged.

“So, what’s your real name?” he asked.

“Kortlyn.”

“Oh, I think I like you better as Trip,” he grinned.

“Oh, so you like me?” I replied, raising an eyebrow. “You’ve only just met me.”

“Well, I like what I see,” he answered. “But I’d have to get to know you better first to give you an accurate answer. So maybe I could get your number …”

I bit my lip and blushed as I rolled my eyes at his cheesy attempt at getting my number. “Sorry, I don’t think my boyfriend would like that,” I replied.

Trent closed his eyes and sighed. “Damn, I should have known,” he grinned. “How committed are you?”

“Very,” I laughed.

“Are you sure?” he asked. “Because I’ve been known to have some pretty good powers of persuasions.”

I rolled my eyes again. “I’m very sure,” I replied. “And very committed.”

“Ah,” he shrugged as Candis appeared behind him.

“Trip, you ready to go?” she asked.

“Yeah,” I nodded. I glanced at Trent and gave him an apologetic look. “Sorry,” I said.

He shrugged. “It never hurt to ask.”

“I guess that’s true,” I smiled as I brushed past him and Candis and I walked over to where the others were waiting.

“What was that all about?” Tasha grinned.

I reached into the booth and grabbed my purse and giggled. “That was a guy trying to get my number,” I answered.

“And he was hot too!” Candis said, checking out Trent who was standing by the front counter.

“His name is Trent,” I commented. “Maybe you should go try and pick him up.”

“Right,” Candis said, rolling her eyes.

On the way back to the dorms we stopped to get some food to take back with us since we all agreed that we were hungry. Once we reached the dorms, Rae, Candis, and Tasha hung out downstairs for a smoke while Jenna, Meg, and I went on up.

When I got to my dorm room, I kicked off my shoes and sat down on the bed with my bag of food. My feet were aching. I hadn’t thought about how much walking I’d have to do once I moved to New York, and my feet were definitely not happy with me for what I’d done to them. I stretched my toes and moved my feet around as I unwrapped my sandwich.

As I was taking a bite, I noticed that the button on the answering machine on the nightstand that Rae and I had gone out earlier in the week to pick up was blinking, signaling that we had a new message. I leaned over and pressed the play button and waited for the message to play.

You have 1 new message.

Kort, it’s Quinn. I was calling to talk to you. Just give me a call whenever you have a chance.

I took another bite of my sandwich as I dug through my purse for my cell phone. Once I found it, I hit the number 5 button and it quickly dialed Quinn’s number. It rung a couple of times and I swallowed quickly as I heard someone pick up.

“Hello?”

“Hey, Quinny,” I said.

“Kortlyn?!” Quinn exclaimed.

“The one and only,” I answered.

“I’ve been trying to call you all night!” she said.

“I know, I just got your message,” I replied.

“Where were you?” she asked.

“I went out with Rae, Jenna, Meg, Candis, and Tasha,” I yawned as I took another bite of my sandwich.

“Oh, where’d you go?” she asked.

“A karaoke bar,” I replied. “And some guy hit on me,” I giggled.

“I bet Zac won’t be too happy to hear that,” she commented.

“Who says I’m gonna tell him?” I replied.

“You are so bad,” Quinn laughed.

“I know,” I sighed. “So how have you been?”

“I’m fine,” she replied. I waited for her to elaborate some more, but when she didn’t continue, I figured that something must have been bothering her. I decided to play along with her little game for a bit before I got to the bottom of things.

“So, you started classes on Wednesday, right?” I asked.

“Yeah,” she replied.

“How’d that go?” I asked.

“It was alright,” she replied. “Kind of boring. I don’t even know how I’m going to pass without you here to help me.”

“Oh, Quinn, you can do it,” I said, rolling my eyes as I took another bite of my sandwich. “So, how’s Jeremy doing?”

“Oh, I guess he’s doing good,” Quinn replied with a light sigh. “I think he’s seeing someone else.”

“What?” I gasped, nearly choking on the food in my mouth.

“I think he’s seeing someone else,” she repeated.

“What makes you think that?”

“I don’t know,” she replied. I could tell she was on the verge of tears. “All kinds of things. He never calls me. And when we are together, he seems like his mind is on everything but me. I mean, he doesn’t even want to touch me anymore.”

“Have you tried talking to him?”

“Yeah, but he just shrugs it off and says that I’m being silly,” she replied. “I think he’s going to break up with me.”

“Oh, Quinn,” I said, biting my lip. “I’m so sorry.”

I wished that I could be there to hug and comfort her like I had done in the past. She had been through some pretty bad break-ups in the past, but I had a feeling that if things were really almost over with Jeremy, then this break-up would be by far the worst. She and Jeremy had been dating for so long, and I knew she was absolutely in love with him. I couldn’t believe that he would actually cheat on her. He always seemed like such a great guy.

“I wish I could just hop a flight and come back home and be there for you,” I said. “I’m sorry.”

“It’s not your fault,” she spoke softly. “Besides, I shouldn’t be laying all this on you. You’re going through a lot right now – with moving and adjusting and all. Maybe I should just let you go … I’ll call you later …”

Before I could even protest, she had hung up. I stared blankly at the phone for a moment before turning it off and returning it to its place in my purse. I fell back on my bed with a groan as Rae entered the room.

“What’s wrong?” she asked as she sat down on her bed and began to take her food out of the bag.

I kicked my feet on my bed like a little kid. “Do you ever just feel like you’re being ripped in a thousand ways all at once?”

“Oh, you have no idea,” she smirked.

“It sucks,” I sighed as I propped myself up on my elbows. “Quinn, my best friend back home, left a message on the answering machine and I just called her back. She’s on the verge of breaking up with her boyfriend – who she’s been with about a year and half – and I feel terrible that I can’t be there for her.”

Rae frowned. “That’s terrible,” she commented. “And I know it must suck that you can’t actually be there for her, but just because you’re not there in the flesh, doesn’t mean that you can’t still be there for her.”

“Yeah, I know,” I sighed. “Stupid guys,” I muttered.

“Seriously,” Rae agreed. “If I didn’t like cock so much, I swear I’d be a lesbian.”

My jaw dropped and I stared at Rae as if she’d grown a second head. “I can’t believe you just said that!” I exclaimed.

“Well, it’s true!” she said with a shrug as she stabbed at her salad.

“Rae, you are something else,” I said, shaking my head.

“That’s what everyone tells me,” she said as she lifted up the eating utensil in her hand and made a face. “That dumbfuck from Arby’s gave me a spork to eat my salad!”

I fell back on the bed laughing as Rae continued to frown at the spork in her hand.

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