The next morning I woke up to the smell of someone fixing breakfast. I looked to my left and found that Taylor was already up, so I grabbed my robe and headed to the bathroom to brush my teeth before I went downstairs.
When I walked into the kitchen, I found Heaven and Angelina making breakfast. Hannah and Zeke were seated at the table eating pancakes, and Saffie was in her high chair making a mess out of her food.
“We thought we’d fix something for you,” Angelina commented.
“In hopes that you won’t kill us today,” Heaven said.
“I’m not going to kill you guys,” I sighed. “I was just upset yesterday. It’s not your fault.”
“Yeah, it is,” Angelina said. “I should have been more responsible.”
“Don’t worry about it,” I said as I sat down at the table. “Where’s Taylor?”
“He went to the grocery store,” Heaven replied. “We used all the milk and eggs.”
“Oh,” I said. “So, where’s Allie? I didn’t see her at all yesterday. Is she hiding out from me too?”
“No, she had to work last night,” Heaven said with a smile. “And I think she had to work again this morning.”
“Oh,” I nodded as I picked up the remote control and turned on the TV on the counter. I switched to the news and froze in place. There on the television screen was a picture of the police officer that had shot Audrey and saved my life. I turned the volume up and listened to what the reporter was saying.
“Officer Frank McAuther was found stabbed to death in his home early this morning,” the reporter said. “He was found by his wife when she was returning home from work. No details of the crime have been revealed, but sources have said that the police are not ruling out revenge as a motive.”
“What’s wrong, Eden?” Heaven asked.
“The police officer that was murdered was the one that shot Audrey,” I explained.
“Oh,” Heaven said taking a deep breath. “Wow.”
“Yeah,” I nodded.
I didn’t really know how I should feel. I mean, the man that had saved my life had been murdered. Of course I felt a sadness, but I didn’t know what else to feel. I never knew what to do in those types of situations where an acquaintance died.
“Should I send flowers or something?” I asked looking at Heaven and Angelina.
Heaven and Angelina both shrugged.
“Thanks for your help,” I said sarcastically as I rolled my eyes as I stood up and went to look for a phone book to call a floral shop.
Later as I was giving Saffie a bath, I got to thinking about what the reporter had said about the possibility of a revenge being the motive for murder. I knew I shouldn’t have been worried about something like that. As far as I knew Audrey wasn’t that close to her siblings because she never talked about them, so I didn’t think I had anything to worry about. For some reason I still had a gnawing in the pit of my stomach though, but I quickly pushed that feeling away as I wrapped Saffie up in towel.
“I bet you feel better now that you’re all clean, don’t ya baby?” I smiled as I carried her into her room.
I quickly dressed her. She yawned as I was combing her blond hair down.
“Someone’s sleepy,” I cooed as I picked her up and held her close to my chest and went over to the rocking chair. I hummed softly as I rocked her and before long she was fast asleep with her thumb in her mouth.
I knew before long I was going to have to break her of that habit, but I couldn’t bring myself to do it just yet. She looked too cute, and besides that, I wasn’t ready to let her grow up. At least not yet.
After I put Saffie in her crib, I went to my bedroom. I decided to work on the scrapbook I was making. I had always liked scrapbooking, and I had decided to keep one for each of the kids, and I had been getting behind on working Saffie’s, so I got down on the floor and was looking under the bed for the box of scrapbooking stuff that I kept under it. I found it, but when I looked under that bed, I noticed that there was another box behind it. I had never noticed it before, so I was surprised to see it. I quickly grabbed it and sat down on the floor and prepared to open it.
I figured that it was something of Taylor’s because it obviously wasn’t mine. I started to lift the lid, but I pulled my hands back. I didn’t know if I should open it. I wasn’t mine. I didn’t want to invade Taylor’s privacy, but then again, I was his wife. But did that give me the right to go through his things?
I sat there in debate for probably a total of a minute before I decided to just open the damn box. If it was something that I wasn’t supposed to see, then it was Taylor’s fault for leaving where someone could find it.
I opened the box and looked inside. It mostly looked like junk. Passes from various venues and such. A few letters from fans. Nothing really significant as far as I could tell. But then something caught my eye. The writing on the front of one of the envelopes looked vaguely familiar.
I picked it up and examined it. The writing looked so familiar, but I couldn’t place it. I opened up the envelope and opened the paper inside. It was a letter to Taylor. It said:
Dear Taylor,
I don’t know why I’m writing this to you. It’s highly probable that you either a.) won’t read it or b.) will read it and just not care, but I guess I won’t find out if I don’t try.
We’ve been friends for a while now. We’ve always got along really well. Hell, sometimes I think you’re the male version of me because we’re so alike. Going to late night parties, always looking out for number one, drinking ourselves crazy, and engaging in casual sex.
I think you are actually the first person that I’ve ever met that was so much like me. That’s why writing this to you is so hard . . . I guess you could just say that I’m scared.
Scared of what? I’m sure that’s what you’re wondering. I’m scared of what’s going to happen to us once I say what I want to say. I guess I should just stop dancing around it and say it …
I love you.
No, you’re not seeing things. I said I love you. And I mean it too. I’ve had these feelings for you for a while now . . . probably since the first time we slept together . . . I know that we agreed that we were nothing more than ‘fuck buddies,’ but it’s not that way with me anymore. I’m not okay with that arrangement. Somewhere along the way, I’ve fallen in love with you.
I’m sure you don’t want to hear this, but I can’t keep my feelings hidden any longer. I only hope that this letter won’t scare you away. Even if you don’t feel the same way, I still want to be your friend.
I hope that when you get back to town that maybe we can sit down and talk . . . I’m not expecting anything from you . . . I just want to talk.
Well, I guess this is where I say goodbye for now. Hopefully, I’ll talk to you soon!
I just sat there on the floor for a moment. I felt completely and thoroughly confused. Taylor and Audrey had been fuck buddies?
I shook my head in confusion as I stuffed the letter back into the envelope and threw it in the box and shut it and shoved it back under the bed. ‘Audrey told me that she never slept with Taylor.’ I recalled. I didn’t understand. Clearly from the letter that she had wrote Taylor, they had slept together, so I didn’t understand why she had told me that they hadn’t.
I didn’t understand. I wondered what had happened when Taylor got back home. Had they talked? Had they dated? Why had Taylor kept that letter?
So many questions were running through my head, but I didn’t know how I could even begin to ask Taylor. I was probably never supposed to see that letter, but now that I had, I knew that it was going to be lingering in my head until I had some answers.
Confused would not have even begun to describe what I was feeling. I don’t think there were even any words to describe the kind of shock I was feeling. Taylor and Audrey? Fuck buddies? How could I had not known about this? Why did Audrey tell me that they had never slept together? Why hadn’t Taylor told me about this?
Just when I thought my life was coming back together, it seemed like it was falling apart again. I didn’t understand why this was happening to me. I mean, I know life is hard – deal with it, but really, how many times can stuff like this be thrown in my face without me having a complete and total breakdown?
When Taylor got home on the day that I found the letter, I wanted so badly to just confront him about it, but I didn’t want to start something. I had gone through his things, and even though I was his wife, I knew it wasn’t right for me to have done that. I wouldn’t have wanted him to go through my personal things.
Once when I was around 16, Angelina had found my diary and read through the whole thing. I had had some really personal thoughts wrote in it, too, and I felt so violated when I had found out that she had read it, so I knew that what I had done to Taylor had been wrong, and I felt guilty.
“Hey, sweets, you feeling okay?” Taylor asked as he walked over to me and wrapped his arms around my waist.
“Yeah, I’m fine,” I nodded. “Why?”
“You look upset,” he said. “Are you still upset about Hannah?”
“A little,” I nodded. That wasn’t entirely a lie. I still felt awful about what had happened with Hannah.
“Baby, don’t worry yourself about it,” he said as he kissed my forehead. “She’s perfectly fine.”
“I know,” I sighed as I rested my head on his shoulder. I closed my eyes and breathed in the scent of his cologne. He smelled so good. I loved the way he smelled … herbal essences shampoo mixed with Tommy Boy cologne.
As I stood there in his arms, I began to wonder. Had he and Audrey been like this at one time? Had she let him hold her in his arms and breathed in his scent? Did he make her feel safe and warm? Had she really loved him like I loved him? Had HE loved her? All kinds of questions seemed to spring up in my head.
Finally I couldn’t take it anymore. I pushed those thoughts away and moved away from Taylor. “I need to get out of here,” I commented.
“Out of where?” he asked looking confused.
“The house,” I sighed. “I think I just need some time to think.”
“Think about what?” he asked with concern.
“Nothing …” I answered. “Maybe I don’t need time to think. Maybe I just need time to not think. I’m going to go out for a bit. Can you watch the kids?”
“Sure,” he nodded. “But where are you going?”
I sighed softly to myself. Where was I going to go?
“I don’t know,” I said shaking my head. “I just need to clear my mind, okay?”
“Okay, baby,” Taylor nodded as he walked over and hugged me again. “You know if you want to talk about whatever’s on your mind that I’m here, don’t you? You can talk to me.”
“I know, Tay. It’s not you,” I said. “I just … I need some time alone … okay?”
“Sure,” he nodded quietly.
“I love you,” I said softly as I put my hand on his cheek and stood on my tiptoes and kissed his lips gently.
“I love you, too,” he said. “Be back soon?”
“I will,” I nodded with a soft smile.
I didn’t know if he was actually okay with my leaving or not, but he didn’t say anything else, so I got my coat, kissed Taylor goodbye and walked out to my car.
If only I had known about the hell that was about to break lose in my life, I never would have gone out that night. If only I had known … If only …
I decided to go to a coffeehouse. I just needed to be somewhere calm and quiet. I just needed time to think. Finding out that your husband used to have a very sexual relationship with the woman that tried to kill you really takes a lot out of you.
I really didn’t know what to think. Should I have been mad at Taylor for not telling me? Had I actually wanted to know? I didn’t know. I think I was just in such a state of shock about what I had found that my emotions hadn’t really caught up with me yet.
I had never even once thought to ask Taylor about his relationship with Audrey. I never thought she would have lied about it. Heck, I couldn’t figure out WHY she had lied. If she had wanted Taylor, why hadn’t she just told me in the first place? If she had told me that she had feelings for Taylor, then I probably never would have ever bothered him again … regardless of the baby. I would have figured something out.
It really bothered me that even with Audrey gone, she could still haunt me. Half the time I didn’t know whether to hate her or feel sorry for her. I sighed softly and rested my head on the table. Some days I just wished that I had never moved to Tulsa … Then I would have never met Audrey or Taylor … and I might have actually been normal, but I knew there was no use in wishing. It was done now. I couldn’t change the past. I just wished that I had some control over my future, but I would soon learn that I no control over anything in my life.
“Having a bad day?” I heard from in front of me.
I lifted my head and saw Seth standing before me.
“I guess you could say that,” I replied as I sat up.
“Wanna talk about it?” he asked as he pulled out the chair across from me and sat down.
“Not really,” I replied. “I’d rather not think about it at all.”
“Well, in that case, I might be able to help you out,” he grinned.
“How so?” I inquired raising an eyebrow.
“Well, I’m supposed to go to this party tonight,” he began. “It’s nothing big. Just a few people getting together. Wanna come?”
“Oh, I don’t think so,” I said shaking my head. “I’m not in the mood for a party, but thanks anyway.”
“Are you sure?” he asked.
“Yeah,” I nodded with a smile.
“So, where have you been lately?” Seth asked. “I haven’t seen very much of you.”
“Oh, there’s just been a lot going on lately,” I sighed.
“Everything okay at home?” he asked.
“Yeah, I suppose so,” I nodded.
“Are you sure you don’t wanna go to the party with me?” he asked. “I probably won’t stay long …”
“I …” I began to say no, but in a split second, I changed my mind. Why not go to a party? It wouldn’t be a big deal. I wouldn’t stay long. I’d just go and have a few drinks before I went back home. There was no harm in that.
“Okay,” I nodded. “I’ll go.”
“Okay,” he smiled. “I’ve gotta stop by my place and change,” he commented motioning toward his clothes. He had obviously just left the gym. “So, wanna just follow me? And I’ll run in and change, and you can follow me to the party?”
“Okay,” I nodded. “Sounds good.”
Seth and I went outside. He pointed out his car, and I went to mine and followed him out of the parking lot. Seth’s apartment was only a couple of blocks away. I parked on the street behind him. I watched as Seth got out of his car and walked over to mine. I rolled down my window.
“You can come in and wait if you want,” he said. “I shouldn’t be too long, but it is a bit nippy out here.”
I was screaming no to myself, but apparently my mouth wasn’t listening because without any hesitation, I said, “Okay.”
I rolled my window back up and opened the door and stepped out of the car. I followed Seth into his apartment building and up a flight of stairs. There was a nagging feeling in the pit of my stomach telling me to turn and go back, but I didn’t listen … I just kept going …
Seth unlocked the door and led me inside. “Well, welcome to my humble abode,” he grinned. “It’s a bit of a mess at the moment.”
“Oh, it’s okay,” I said with a smile. “My house gets messy a lot too.”
“Yeah, but you have an excuse,” he grinned. “You have kids.”
“That’s true,” I nodded.
“Well, I’m going to go get freshened up,” he said. “Make yourself at home.”
“Okay,” I said as I moved some magazines off of the couch and sat down. I sat there nervously looking around the place. I felt so out of place. I knew that I shouldn’t have been there. I was about ready to get up and leave just as Seth walked out of the bathroom wearing only a towel.
I pretended not to notice and looked around the room. I looked anywhere but at Seth.
“I forgot my brush,” he smiled as he walked over by me. He leaned down and reached across me. He was suddenly very close to me, and I felt very uncomfortable.
Seth turned and looked at me. His face only inches from mine. “You know you’re really beautiful,” he murmured before his lips we on mine.
I didn’t know what to do. I felt frozen. I didn’t want him to kiss me! I finally I managed to regain movement, and I tried to push Seth away, but he was much stronger than me and he grabbed my arms and pushed me back on the couch and continued to kiss me.
I tried to scream as I felt him grabbing at my clothes, but he covered my mouth with his hand. Tears stung my eyes as I realized what he was planning to do to me.
Everything felt like it was happening in slow motion. All I could feel was the weight of Seth’s body on top of me. He had ripped away my clothes. I had long since given up on fighting. I was far too weak. I had no energy left. I had yelled for as long as I could before my voice gave out, and I had resorted to whispering ‘No … please stop’ repeatedly. I wondered how this could be happening. It was my worst nightmare coming true. Stuff like this didn’t happen to me. I closed my eyes and tears stained my face and I prayed that it would all be over soon.
Some time later I felt Seth’s weight shift from off of me. I laid there quiet for a minute before I slowly opened my eyes to find him Seth staring down at me with a stony expression on his face.
He grabbed my arms and pulled me into a sitting position and whispered harshly into my ear. “If you tell anyone about this, I’ll make you watch as I kill your husband and your little girls and little boy, and then I’ll kill you. Understand?”
Tears poured from my eyes as I nodded quickly. I just wanted out of there. I wanted to get as far away from him as possible. He just stared me down for a few more seconds before letting go of my arms and standing up and grabbing his towel and wrapping it back around his waist.
“Now you can get the fuck out of here,” he said coldly before he disappeared down the hallway back into the bathroom.
As quickly as I could, I tried to fix my clothes, but there wasn’t much that I could do. My shirt was practically ripped in half down the front, but I held it together and struggled to get my pants back on. Then I grabbed my purse and ran down to my car.
I started the car and made it home in record time. I just sat there in the driveway for a minute. I couldn’t let the kids see me like this. I couldn’t let Taylor see me like this. How could I ever explain to him what had happened to me? I should have never gone into Seth’s apartment. It was entirely my fault that this had happened. I couldn’t tell anyone about this.
Finally I decided that I was going to make a mad dash into the house and go straight to the bathroom. I decided to around the back through the kitchen because the lights were off in that part of the house. I hurried up the back staircase and went straight into the bathroom locking the door behind me.
I leaned my back against the door and let my body sink down to the floor. I just sat there on the cold tile for a moment trying to calm myself. I took a few deep breaths as I heard footsteps coming down the hallway. My heart pounded. I hoped that no one would notice that I was home, but there was no such luck.
Someone knocked lightly on the door.
“Yeah?” I croaked.
“Ede, you in there?” Taylor asked.
“Yeah,” I replied.
“I didn’t hear you come in,” he said through the door. “But I saw your car in the driveway.”
“Yeah,” I said. “I’m not feeling too well.”
“What’s wrong?” he asked. I could hear the concern in his voice. “Need me to get you something to take?”
“No, I’m fine,” I said gathering all of my strength and trying to keep the shaking in my voice less noticeable. “I think it was just something I ate. I’m going to take a shower, and then I’m going to go to bed. Can you put the kids to bed?”
“Sure, baby,” he said softly through the door. “I love you.”
Tears stung my eyes and I managed to choke out, “I love you too.”
As soon as I heard him walk away, I crawled over to the toilet. I felt sick. I should have told Taylor. He deserved to know what had happened, but I couldn’t tell him. After regurgitating the contents of my stomach, I stood up and leaned against the counter and looked at my reflection in the mirror. My face was red and tear stained, and my eyes were bloodshot and glassy. My hair was a mess. I went over to the shower and started the water. Then I removed my clothes. I looked at my bare body in the mirror. Bruises were beginning to appear on my upper arms and inner thighs. My whole body ached. I could still smell Seth on my skin, and I felt dirty.
I stood in the shower with the water pouring over my skin. I scrubbed my skin trying to wash away the ‘dirt’ that I felt. Finally I collapsed into a ball in the floor of the shower and cried freely to myself letting the sound of the water cover up my cries.
I don’t know how long I stayed there, but by the time I stepped out of the shower, the water was cold. I wrapped a towel around my body as goosebumps covered my skin. I drug my feet across the carpet as I went into the bedroom. Taylor was nowhere in sight, and I let out a sigh of relief. I hurriedly pulled on some warm pajamas to cover my body before I went over to the bed. I reached under the mattress and pulled out my journal. I retrieved the key from the nightstand and unlocked it with shaky hands. I grabbed a pen and wrote the only thing that was going through my mind: Seth raped me.
I didn’t sleep that night. I cried softly to myself. I pretended to be asleep when Taylor came to bed, and I cringed when I felt him drape his arm over me. It was the worst night of my life. I was so disgusted with Seth and myself. I felt so dirty. I didn’t want anyone to touch me. I wanted nothing more than to die.
The next day I tried to act normal. I wanted to pretend that it had never happened. I wanted to act like it had all just been a really bad nightmare, but I couldn’t. I think Taylor noticed my strange behavior right away. I wouldn’t let him touch me, and I was barely talking to anyone. He didn’t say anything for a few weeks though. Finally one evening after dinner, he called me on it.
“You feeling okay, baby?” he whispered softly into my ear as he wrapped his arms around my waist as I began to do the dishes.
“I’m fine,” I replied shakily. I didn’t like how close he was. I felt like I was being suffocated, so I slowly slipped out of his arms and went over to the table to collect the dirty dishes from dinner.
“Well, if you’re fine, then why won’t you let me touch?” he asked.
I kept my eyes on the table. I couldn’t bear to look at him. “I don’t know what you’re talking about,” I said.
“Oh, you don’t?” he asked. “Every time I put my arms around you, slip away. Every time I tried to kiss you, you push me away. You won’t let me make love to you … do I need to go on?”
“No,” I whispered as I turned to look at him.
“So, tell me what’s wrong,” he said. “Are you on some kind of an intimacy strike? Have I upset you? Did I do something to piss you off? Because I really have no clue what is going on with you, Ede.”
I wanted nothing more than to tell him what was wrong. I wanted him to know what happened to me. I wanted him to know that I was raped and that I felt like I was falling apart inside, but I couldn’t. I couldn’t tell him. If I did, he would want to know what I was doing at Seth’s apartment in the first place. He’d want to know why I hadn’t told him to begin with. He would want to go to the police, and I could not let that happen. I could not tell the police.
I had no doubt that Seth would carry out his threat to kill, Taylor, the kids, and myself. I didn’t know if he would really do it or not, but I wasn’t going to take any chances. I didn’t think he was capable of raping me, but he had done it, so as far as I could tell, he was capable of anything.
“No, I’m not pissed off at you, Taylor,” I finally replied. “It’s not you. I’m just … I haven’t been myself lately.”
“So, what’s the deal?” he asked leaning against the counter.
“I don’t know,” I sighed. I hated lying to him, but for me the truth was far worse.
“Well, I wish you would quite pushing me away …” he began as the sound of Saffie’s cries came through the baby monitor.
“I’ll get her,” I said. “Can you do the dishes?”
“Sure,” he nodded before I disappeared from the room happy to have a disruption. I really did not want to have a serious discussion with Taylor. In fact, I really didn’t want to have a conversation with anyone, so I was relieved when Heaven, Angelina, and Allie moved back into their apartment.
I went up to Saffie’s room and picked her up. “Hey, Sweetie Pie,” I whispered as I kissed her forehead softly. “What’s wrong, baby?” I asked as I switched off the baby monitor.
I took Saffie over to the changing table and changed her diaper. I knew that it probably wasn’t a good thing that she had just taken a nap because the likelihood of actually getting her to sleep that night was fairly slim.
After I changed her diaper, I put her down on the floor and let her lose. She grabbed some of her toys and began to throw them. She got on her knees and began to rock back and forth. Slowly she began to crawl around the room. It was hard to believe that she was already crawling, but what did I expect? She was nearly nine months old, and before long she would be walking.
I still couldn’t believe that she was going on nine months old. The last three months had been a blur. So much has happened. Taylor and I had celebrated being married for six years. Tracie was pregnant. I had been depressed. I had been sneaking around behind Taylor’s back to see Seth. I had found out that Taylor and Audrey had once been fuck buddies. And I had wound up getting myself raped. It all seemed like too much to have happened in only three months, but what happened next really felt like a kick in the ass.