“No, this can’t be happening,” I whispered to myself. I stared down at the pregnancy test in my shaky hands and felt like dying. A plus sign. A damn plus sign! Just when I thought that my life couldn’t get anymore fucked up, it turned out that I was pregnant.

At first, I had just hoped that I was late, but after two weeks I knew that I had to make sure, and my worst fear was confirmed. The worst part of it all was that I had no idea who it belonged to. It could have been Taylor’s. We had made love the night before I was raped, but it could have just as easily belonged to Seth.

I didn’t know what I was going to do. There was a baby growing inside of me, and I wanted nothing more than to get rid of it. I didn’t want this baby. I couldn’t deal with having a baby right then. There was too much happening in my life. I was too fucked up to have another child. And how would I explain it to Taylor if the baby belonged to Seth? He would think that I had cheated on him. I cursed myself for being so stupid and not going to the police right after it happened, but how could I when Seth had threatened the lives of my children?

I didn’t know what I was going to do, and to top things off, Taylor and I weren’t getting along that well. He was pissed off at me because I wouldn’t tell him what was wrong with me, and I was tired of him asking. I had been irritable and tired, and as much as I wanted to forget that the rape ever happened and move on with my life, I couldn’t.

I quickly stuffed all evidence of a pregnancy test in a dark bag and stuffed it in the bottom of the trash can so that on one would find it. I couldn’t let Taylor know about this until I knew what I was going to do.

I leaned against the counter and sighed softly. I didn’t know what to do. I thought that being raped was about the worse possible thing that could happen to me, but it turned out that it could get worse. Tears stung my eyes, and I didn’t even bother to try to stop them from coming. This was all too much. How was I going to make it through this? I didn’t think I could. I wanted to tell someone for the sheer fact that I felt so alone, but then I didn’t want anyone to know because I felt so ashamed. How could I have been so stupid? I knew better than to trust people. I found that out with Audrey, but apparently I was just too stupid to learn from my mistakes.

Suddenly I heard banging on the door and jumped away from the counter. “Mommy?” Hannah called through the door.

I wiped my eyes with the backs of my hands to hide all evidence of my tears as I went over and opened the door. “What, baby?” I asked as I looked down at the frowning child.

“Zeke hit Saffie,” Hannah pouted as she pointed down the hall to the playroom where I could faintly hear my youngest child crying.

I sighed and shook my head before stomping down the hallway with Hannah hot at my heels. I went over and picked up Saffie, who was red faced from crying. A bump, which I was sure would become a nasty bruise, was already starting to form on her chubby little arm.

“Oh, Saff, it’s okay,” I said rocking her gently. Slowly her tears subsided, and I tickled her chubby belly and kissed her rosy cheek before I handed her over to Hannah. “Take your sister downstairs, okay?” I said.

She nodded as she juggled holding up her sister, who was getting almost too big for her to hold. I watched them go down the hallway before I turned to Zeke who had a look of pure guilt written upon his face.

“Did you hit your sister?” I asked.

He shook his head and I sighed. “Jordan Ezekiel,” I said in my warning voice. “Did you hit your sister?” I asked again.

“No,” he pouted.

“Jordan Ezekiel Hanson!” I exclaimed. “Do not lie to me!”

He continued to pout as tears sprung to his vivid eyes. The tears slipped from the corners of his eyes and rushed down his cheeks, which was a sure sign of his guilt to me. “Quit crying before I give you a reason to cry!” I exclaimed. That was a phrase I never thought would be coming from my mouth. I had never spanked any of the kids. I had always given them times outs, but for some strange reason I had this overwhelming desire to just take him across my knee and whip his butt like my father had done to me when I was his age.

“Hey, what’s going on?” I heard from the bedroom door.

I turned to see Taylor standing there with a curious look on his face.

“Nothing,” I snapped. “Deal with your lying son. He hit his sister, but I think I know where he learned to hit women. I guess the apple didn’t fall too far from the tree.”

I hadn’t meant to say that. As soon as the words passed my lips, I felt terrible. I could see the look of first shock and then hurt register upon Taylor’s face immediately. I couldn’t believe I had said that. Taylor hadn’t hit me in so long. I had almost forgotten that it had even happened. It wasn’t something we ever talked about. It was as if we had made a silent treaty to keep everything from that first year of our marriage in the past and not dwell on all of the mistakes we had made or the way we had both acted, but then I had to go and say that.

“Sorry, I shouldn’t have said that,” I whispered as tears stung my eyes. I went over and went to touch his cheek but he swatted my hand away and went over and picked up Zeke before heading out of the room. He only paused at the door to turn to me and say, “I don’t know what the hell is wrong with you, but when you figure it out, do me a favor let me know because I can’t deal with this split personality thing you have going on.”

He then turned and continued walking down the hallway as I sunk to the floor and buried my head in my hands. I knew then that I could not handle this pregnancy. There was no way I could do it. I was not fit to take care of the three children I had, so there was no way I could handle another one.

I only had one option, and I didn’t like it, but I knew what I had to do.

--

I entered the kitchen quietly, and everyone looked at me. Taylor, Hannah, Zeke, and Saffie were all sitting at the kitchen table eating their breakfast. It had been a few days, and Taylor and I still weren’t speaking.

“Good morning, mommy,” Hannah smiled as I sat down beside her.

“Morning, baby,” I smiled as I ruffled up her hair. “You all ready for school?”

“Yeah,” she nodded. “Can you braid my hair for me before we go?”

I checked my watched and nodded, “Yeah, but we’ll have to hurry. You have to be to school in an hour, but we’ve got to leave soon, so go get a brush and a hair tie, okay?”

“Okay,” she smiled before she hurried from the table down to the hallway to the bathroom.

I looked at Taylor who was feeding Saffie. He didn’t even bother to look at me. I knew he was still very upset with me, and he had every right to. What I had said to him had been way out of line. I didn’t even know why I had brought something like that up. I felt awful, but I couldn’t even begin to apologize. I didn’t know what I could say that would help. He’d want to know why I was acting so strangely and telling him that I was pregnant was out of the question. He’d get all excited. I knew he would, but I couldn’t tell him about the baby – not when there was a chance that it wasn’t his.

“Are you going to the studio this morning?” I asked him.

“Yeah,” he nodded. “Why?”

“No reason,” I shrugged. “I was just wondering.”

I had made arrangements the night before to have Angelina watch Saffie and Zeke. I really didn’t feel comfortable letting her watch the kids, but I really didn’t have much of a choice. I had other things to take care of as soon as I dropped Hannah off at school.

After fixing Hannah’s hair and getting Saffie and Zeke bundled up to go, we all headed out to the car. I dropped Zeke and Saffie off at Angelina’s on the way, and then I took Hannah to school. Then I made my way to my destination.

I parked my car along the curb across the street and stared at the building. An abortion clinic. Who would have thought I would ever be sitting there? I certainly never did. I had never believed in abortions. Not until then. I still wasn’t one hundred percent comfortable with the idea, but I felt like it was my only option.

If there were any chance for Taylor and I to ever get things worked out, then I would have to make sure that he never knew about what happened with Seth. He could never know that I had been seeing Seth. He could never know that I had been raped. And he most definitely could never know that I was ever pregnant.

I really didn’t want to go through with it. I felt like I was murdering my own child. In fact, I was. I was going to some place to end the life of my unborn child. I had this nagging feeling in the back of my mind telling me not to do it because the baby could have very well been Taylor’s, but what if it wasn’t? I suppose that I could have raised the baby like he or she were Taylor’s, but what would happen if Taylor found out that he or she wasn’t his? How could I ever explain that to him?

I just stared at the front doors of the abortion clinic. Luckily, it was one of those days when there were no protesters outside. I could not have handled that. This was already hard enough without that. Luckily I had never really been sucked into Taylor’s fame, so I didn’t have to worry about being recognized.

I wondered if I could really go through with it. Could I kill my baby and then return to my husband and children and pretend like nothing ever happened? Could I really do that? What if Taylor ever found out? What would he do then? He’d probably hate me for the rest of my life and divorce me. He was completely one hundred percent pro-life. He would never forgive me if he ever found out that I might have killed his child. That was why I had to make sure that he never found out about any of this.

I took a deep breath and leaned back in the seat. I couldn’t get my body to move just yet. I ran my hand over my still flat stomach. There was no sign of a baby growing inside of me, but I knew that it was there. There was a baby growing inside of me. A baby. Maybe it was Taylor’s baby. Maybe it was Seth’s baby. But it was my baby too. A part of me. And I was going to kill it.

Finally I reached out and pulled the door handle. As I was about to step out of the car, my cell phone rang. For a moment, I thought about ignoring it, but then I realized that it could have been important, so I reached into my purse and took it out.

“Hello?” I answered.

“May I please speak to Eden Hanson?” a stern female voice said through the phone.

“This is her,” I said shakily as I moved back into my seat and closed the car door. “Who is this?”

Hardly anyone besides my family and close friends knew my cell phone number, so I had no idea who this was that was calling me.

“This is Clare Matthews at Tulsa Community Hospital,” she began.

As soon as I heard the word hospital, I froze up. Had something happened?

“I am calling about your sister-in-law, Tracie Hanson,” she continued.

“Tracie?” I repeated. “What about her?”

“There has been an accident, and she asked us to call you,” she continued.

“An accident?” I asked. “What kind of an accident?”

“I think it would be best if you came in and we spoke in person,” she answered.

“Okay,” I agreed. After she gave me instructions about where I could meet her, I started the car and zoomed toward the hospital. The abortion clinic was the last thing on my mind. I was so worried about Tracie. I wondered what could have possibly happened. And why has she asked them to call me instead of Isaac?

I hurried into the emergency room and found Clare Matthews. “What happened to Tracie? Is she okay?” I asked. “How’s the baby?”

Nurse Matthews gently guided me into a private room, and I found Ryan sitting in the corner playing with his toys. He looked a little bruised and banged up, but when he turned and saw me standing there, he rushed over to me.

“Hey, Ry,” I smiled as I picked him up and hugged him. I turned to the nurse to listen to what she had to tell me.

“They were in a car accident,” she began. “It was a hit and run.”

“Oh?” I said looking at her. I knew all too well about hit and runs. “How is Tracie?”

“Tracie is okay,” she said slowly. “But …”

“But what?” I asked.

I just wished that the nurse would get on with it. I didn’t feel the need to be kept in suspense.

“She lost the baby,” nurse Matthews answered.

“Oh my god,” I gasped as I put Ryan back down and motioned for him to go back to playing. “Does Tracie know?”

“Yes,” the nurse nodded. “And she asked us to call you.”

“Have you called her husband?” I asked.

“No, she asked us not to,” she answered.

I nodded. “Can I see her?”

“Of course,” she nodded. “I’ll take you to her room.”

“What about Ryan?” I asked looking over my shoulder at the little boy.

“I’ll have one of the other nurses keep an eye on him until I get back,” she said.

She took me to Tracie’s room, and as soon as I saw her, I ran over to her side and hugged her.

“I’m so sorry, Trae,” I whispered.

“How could this happen?” she cried.

“I don’t know, sweetie,” I said as I sat down at the side of the bed beside her.

She wiped her eyes and looked around. “Where’s Ryan?”

“A nurse is keeping an eye on him,” I replied. “He’s fine.”

“Good,” she nodded.

“What happened?” I asked as I held her hand.

“I don’t know,” she said shaking her head. “We were leaving the grocery store, and I pulled out of the parking lot, and the last thing I remember is a car coming toward me.”

She shook her head and looked around the room. “Why my baby?” she asked. “Why not me?”

“Oh, Trace, don’t say that,” I said. “Why didn’t you let the nurse call Isaac?”

“Eden, I can’t tell him about the baby,” she said.

“Well, sweetie, you’re going to have to,” I said.

“I can’t,” she whispered. “And I don’t want some stranger breaking it to him.”

“So, what are you going to do?” I asked.

“I was hoping that you could tell him,” she said softly.

“Me?” I shrieked.

“Eden, I can’t tell him,” she said pleading with me with her eyes. “Please?”

I took a deep breath and finally nodded. “Okay, I’ll tell him,” I agreed. “Where is he at?”

“The studio,” she answered.

“Okay,” I said. “I’ll go talk to him, and I’ll take Ryan home with me tonight.”

“Thank you,” she said.

“You just rest up, okay?” I said.

She simply nodded as I stood up and went to get Ryan.

--

Once we arrived at the studio, I cautious opened the door to the studio as I held onto to Ryan’s hand. Isaac and Taylor looked up from the control board, and I could see Zac in the recording booth.

“Ede, what are you doing here?” Taylor asked looking confused.

“Hey, Ry,” Isaac smiled as Ryan ran over to him. He took one look at the bruises on his face and turned to me. “What happened to him?”

“Um, Ike, I need to talk to you alone,” I said clearing my throat.

“Okay,” he nodded as he stood up slowly glancing at Taylor and motioning toward Ryan. Taylor nodded that he would keep an eye on him, and we walked out into the vacant hallway. I just stood there quietly for a moment. How could I tell him that his wife had been in a car accident? How could I tell him that he had lost his unborn child? How do you tell someone something like that?

“What’s going on?” he asked. “Why do you have Ryan? Where’s Tracie?”

“Ike, I have to tell you something that’s really hard to say,” I began.

Isaac looked at me expectantly. He looked like he needed to know what was going on right this minute even if he wasn’t sure if he wanted to.

“Tracie and Ryan were in a car accident as they were leaving the grocery store,” I began.

“Is Trace okay?” he asked immediately growing alarmed.

“Tracie’s okay,” I said. “She’s still at the hospital …”

“Why? Why is she still there?” he asked.

“Isaac, there’s no easy way to say this,” I said taking a deep breath. “She lost the baby.”

“What?” he gasped.

“They tried to save her, but there was nothing they could do,” I said as tears formed in my eyes.

Isaac looked at me sorrowfully as tears began to form in his eyes. I felt like I had just ripped his heart out and stomped on it. I hated being the bearer of bad news.

“Oh, god,” he said leaning back against the wall and running his hand over his face as he shook his head. “Who was in the other car?”

“They don’t know,” I answered. “It was a hit and run.”

“A hit and run?” he said looking at me. “Oh god! I’m gonna find the son of a bitch that did this and …”

“Isaac,” I said grabbing his arm. “Settle down. I don’t get mad. I know you’re hurting, but Tracie needs you right now.”

He nodded. “You’re right.”

“Taylor and I will keep Ryan for you. You just go and be with Tracie right now, okay?” I said.

“Okay,” he nodded trying to gain some composure. He headed for the door, but stopped suddenly and turned and came back to me and enveloped me in a hug. “Thank you,” he said.

“You’re welcome,” I whispered as he released me from his embrace and hurried out to his car.

As soon as he was out of sight, I went back into the studio.

“Where’s Ike?” Taylor asked when I sat down on the couch beside him.

“He went to the hospital,” I answered.

“Hospital?” Zac, who had left the recording the booth and was seated at the control panel, asked. “Why?”

I explained to both of them about what had happened, and needless to say, any musical inspiration that they had had was now dead.

--

“I feel so terrible for Ike,” Taylor commented once we arrived home a while later.

“Yeah, me too,” I nodded.

“God, I don’t know what I can even say to him that would even help,” Taylor commented. “And to think … this could have happened to you with Hannah.”

I stopped looking through the mail when he said that. I hadn’t even thought about that. When that car - Audrey's car - hit Zac and I, the same thing could have just as easily happened to me. I could have lost Hannah. I sat down on the couch and sunk back into the couch. I couldn’t even imagine how Tracie felt. She had just had her child taken away from her.

I would have given anything to trade her places. She and Ike had wanted that baby more than anything in the world, and I wanted nothing more than to be rid of the baby growing inside of me.

“I don’t know what I would do if this happened to us,” Taylor commented. “I don’t know what I would do if we lost a child. I mean, she hadn’t even given birth to that baby, but Isaac and Tracie both loved it. It has to be terrible for them. I can’t understand how people can actually choose to have an abortion,” he said. “How can someone do that?” he asked turning to me.

“I don’t know,” I whispered averting my eyes to any place other than his. I couldn’t believe that that very afternoon I had planned to have an abortion. Now with what had happened to Tracie, I knew there was no way I could go through with it. I’d have to think of something else, but I would not kill my child.