I rubbed my temples as I waited for the stoplight to change colors. My head was pounding. Seeing Allie had turned out to be more than I had bargained for. Although I had many of my questions answered, I felt even more confused, and not to mention I was completely drained of all energy.

When the light turned red, I pushed down on the gas pedal and headed towards Heaven and Angelina’s apartment. I had to see if Allie had really been telling me the truth about Audrey’s diary.

I still couldn’t believe that the other diary had been a fake. The way it was written sounded so much like Audrey. It amazed me that Autumn had been able to get inside her head like that without ever even speaking to her since they were young.

I climbed out of the car slowly. My whole body was sore from the long drive. I noted that I would have to con Taylor into giving me one of his amazing massages when I got home. I smiled at the thought. Taylor had been so amazing in the last couple of months. Even with all my suspicions and confusions, he hadn’t got mad at me. He just loved me, and that was a great comfort. But I couldn’t deny that our relationship was still very strained at times.

I walked upstairs and found myself panting as I reached the top. At that moment, I remember exactly why I hated being pregnant. I couldn’t do something as simple as walk up a flight of stairs without feeling completely wore out. And I still had two months left to go. I silently proclaimed that I would be happy once this baby was finally born for the sheer fact that I wouldn’t be carrying around an extra eight pounds, but even then I’d still have plenty of weight left to lose.

‘This time I will not be going to the public gym.’ I thought. I knew it was a bit drastic to avoid places such as the gym and the diner because I had saw Seth there, but I wasn’t ready to go back to those places. The memories still hung over me like a thick fog, and I had a feeling that it was going to take a lot more time for the fog to lift.

I let myself into the apartment and couldn’t help but laugh when I walked into the apartment and found Angelina, Zac, Hannah, and Zeke in the middle of a game of twister. Heaven looked up from her seat on the couch where she was holding Saffie and letting her spin the spinner and calling out their next moves.

“Isn’t this just about the funniest sight you’ve ever seen?” Heaven asked with a smile.

“Yeah, I’d have do say so,” I nodded as I looked at the four of them on the mat. They looked liked they could simply topple over at any given moment.

“Shut up,” Angelina said, making a face and trying to contain her laughter, so she wouldn’t lose her balance.

“Why don’t we take a break?” Zac asked, trying to hold himself up.

“No!” Hannah whined. “I don’t wanna quit!”

“Me either!” Zeke called pouting.

“We’re not quitting. We’re just going to stop for a little bit,” Zac replied. “I think your mommy wants to talk to your aunts, so I’ll take you out for some ice-cream while they talk and then we can play twister again, okay?” Zac bargained.

“YAY! Ice scream!” Zeke yelled, jumping off of the mat quickly.

Zac, Angelina, and Hannah all struggled to move off of the mat – untangling their limbs slowly before they finally stood.

“Well, I’ll take them to get some ice-cream,” Zac said, stretching his arms over his head. “So ya’ll can talk.”

“Okay, thanks, Zac,” I smiled as Heaven stood up as well.

Saffie reached out for Zac. “I think she wants some ice-cream too,” Heaven commented as Zac took her into his arms.

“Well, you know that I couldn’t deprive me sweet little niece of ice-cream,” Zac said in a goofy voice as he pinched Saffie’s chubby little cheeks before he turned to me.

“Here, you can take my car, so you won’t have to move her car seat,” I said, handing him my keys. “Just don’t do too much driving. Gas prices are ridiculous, and I just filled up the tank.”

“Yes, ma’am,” Zac grinned as he headed for the door calling for Zeke and Hannah to follow.

“So, how did things go?” Heaven asked.

I bit my lip and shrugged. “It was a lot harder to face her than what I thought it would be,” I confessed. I proceeded to tell them bits and pieces of what Allie had told me. When I told them about the key that was supposed to be in Allie’s room, they both hurried to her old room.

I slowly followed. Heaven and Angelina had packed most of her things away, but the boxes still sat around the room because they didn’t know what to do with her things.

Angelina sat down on the floor by the window and pulled back the carpet, struggling a moment when it got caught on a loose nail. After peeling back the carpet, it was easy to spot the loose board. Angelina started to lift it up, but Heaven stopped her.

“Wait!” she said.

“Why?” Angelina asked, raising an eyebrow.

“What if it’s a trick? Like what if she put a bomb or something under here?” Heaven questioned.

Angelina rolled her eyes. “Um, Heaven, I think if there was bomb under her, then it would have already gone off a long time ago,” she replied.

“But you never know!” Heaven argued. “Think about it for a minute, Ang! The girl is crazy! She could have killed us!”

“But she didn’t,” I pointed out. “Just lift up the board.”

Heaven bit her nails nervously as Angelina lifted up the board and there in the space below sat an old cigar box. Angelina carefully lifted it up and handed it to me before replacing the board and rolling the carpet back into its place.

“We’ll give you some time alone,” Angelina commented, taking Heaven by the arm and leading her out of the room.

I sat down gingerly on the bed and swallowed hard before lifting the lid to the box. I picked up a few pictures that lie loosely in the box. In one of the pictures were four small children – three girls and one boy. I turned it over and saw the names written on the back – Fallynn, Audrey, Seth, and Halley. I turned it back over and looked at their faces. Each of them wore a big smile and their arms were draped over the others shoulders. I guessed that Allie – or Halley - couldn’t have been more than a year old at the time.

Even though their clothing looked old and worn, their faces only showed happiness and love. It was hard to imagine that not long after that they had been taken from their home and separated and spread all across the United States in new homes with strangers. Furthermore, it was hard to believe that these angelic faces belonged to the people that would change my entire life for the worst.

I sat the picture down on the bed and began to leaf through the rest of the box. I found a few more pictures and took a moment to look at each one before I found an old sheet of paper that had yellowed with age. It said:

Dear Halley,
I love you very very much. Please don’t forget me. Write back when you know how.
Love your big sister, Audrey

There was no date on the paper, but Audrey had obviously been very young when she wrote it. Her letters were printed largely across the paper, and evidently Halley wasn’t old enough to write yet. My heart ached for them. I couldn’t imagine the pain that they had gone through with an unfit mother who was institutionalized and having the only family they ever knew taken away.

I carefully refolded the paper and sat it on the bed before reaching into the box and picking up a small key. It was the only key in the box, so it had to be the one for the box at the bank.

I placed the key in my purse before returning the contents of the box back to their place and shutting the lid. I tucked the box under my arm and walked into the kitchen to join Angelina and Heaven.

“Was the key in there?” Heaven asked.

I nodded and glanced at my watch. “Can one of you drive me down to the bank? It doesn’t close for another hour, and I’d like to see Audrey’s diary as soon as possible,” I said.

“Yeah, I can take you,” Angelina offered.

“Okay, great,” I smiled softly. “Heav, can you stay here and wait for Zac and the kids?”

“Sure,” she nodded.

“Thanks, we shouldn’t be too long,” I commented as I slung my purse over my shoulder and led the way out to Angelina’s car.

--

“How are you feeling, babe?” Taylor asked, rubbing my shoulders later that night as I sat at the kitchen table after dinner.

“Tired,” I replied.

“Why don’t you go on up and rest and I’ll clean this up,” Taylor said, motioning towards the dirty dishes on the table.

“Really? You don’t mind?” I asked.

“No, you’ve had a long day,” he replied, kissing my forehead. “If you hadn’t beat me home, I would have cooked tonight too.”

“It’s okay,” I yawned as I stood up slowly. I gave Taylor a hug and a peck on the lips. “Thanks, Tay,” I whispered before heading upstairs to our room.

I sat down on the bed and opened the drawer to the nightstand. Sleep was actually one of the few things on my mind. I picked up Audrey’s diary and ran my hand over the cover and down the leather-bound spine of the book.

When I had seen it sitting there in the box at the bank, I had felt like all the breath had been knocked out of me. Inside that book lie the thoughts and hopes and dreams of Audrey. I hadn’t opened it yet because I knew that once I started reading, I wouldn’t be able to stop.

When I arrived home, I tucked the diary away in my nightstand and started dinner. When Taylor arrived home, he immediately asked about my visit with Allie. I told him everything she had told me and about going to get Audrey’s diary. What I hadn’t told him was how nervous I was about reading Audrey’s diary. I didn’t know if I really wanted to read everything she had said. Was I prepared for that? Would I be able to understand? I wondered if she had even written about everything that she had done to me.

I sat there for a long time simply staring at the book and letting all those thoughts run through my mind. I don’t know how long I was sitting there, but I jumped when I felt a hand on my shoulder. I turned to see Taylor kneeling on the bed behind me. I hadn’t even felt the bed shift when he climbed across it.

“Are the kids in bed?” I asked.

“Yeah,” he replied. “Fast asleep.”

“I think Zac and Ang wore them out with that second game of twister,” I said with a smile. Taylor chuckled lightly before turning serious.

“That Audrey’s diary?” he asked, nodding towards it with his head.

“Yeah,” I said softly. “I haven’t been able to open it to read yet.”

“You’ve had a long day, baby,” Taylor said, rubbing my shoulders once again causing me to close my eyes and let out a soft sigh of pleasure. “Maybe you should get some sleep before you start in on reading that,” he suggested. “You’ve heard a lot of stuff, and maybe you should let all of that sink in before you read Audrey’s diary,” he said, kissing my neck softly.

“Ya know, I was thinking the same thing,” I said, looking over my shoulder and into his eyes and he wrapped his arms around my waist and ran his hand over my rounded belly.

“Well, they say great minds think alike,” he grinned and winked at me before kissing me gently on the lips.

“Well, this great mind is exhausted,” I yawned as I stood up and walked over to the dresser to find something to wear to bed.

I pulled a t-shirt out of one of the drawers and pulled my shirt over my head and threw it into the laundry basket. I glanced over my shoulder and saw Taylor watching me as I picked up my shirt to pull it over my head.

“What?” I asked, blushing.

He shook his head and smiled. “Nothing,” he replied. “You’re just so beautiful.”

I felt my face grow hot. “Oh, shut up,” I replied, smiling despite myself.

“I’m serious,” he replied as he got off of the bed and walked over to me. He wrapped his arms around me and pulled me into a hug. “You are beautiful.”

“Well, right about now, I feel anything but beautiful. In fact, I really pretty damn ugly,” I sighed as I rested my head on the center of his chest.

He gently kissed the top of my head. “Yeah, well, I can see you, and no matter how you feel, you’re still beautiful to me,” he replied.

“Have I told you lately how much I love you?” I asked, smiling to myself.

“Yeah, but you can tell me again because it never gets old,” he replied. I lifted my head and looked up into his beautiful blue eyes.

“Thank you,” I said softly as he leaned down and kissed me softly on the lips. He wound his fingers gently into my hair as he parted my lips with his tongue. I felt his fingertip grace over the small of my back sending shivers down my spine.

I bought my hand up to Taylor’s cheek as he continued to kiss me. It had been so long since Taylor had kissed me in such an intimate way. I had almost forgot how amazing his kisses truly were. He tore his lips from mine slowly and began to kiss along my jaw and down my neck. I closed my eyes as his hands traveled along my sides and over my breasts.

Despite my love for Taylor and how good it felt to have him touch me, I still felt insecure about my body, and it was still hard for me to allow him to kiss me and touch me like that. As he continued to kiss along me neck and my collarbone, I began to grow uneasy.

If there was anything missing in our marriage, it had to be intimacy. We hadn’t made love since before Seth raped me. I was just now getting to the point where I felt comfortable with him kissing me. Sometimes I just wished that I could just forget about Seth long enough to show Taylor that I still loved him and found him sexually attractive, but there was still a barrier between us. And a huge part of the barrier was the baby.

As much as I tried to forget about being raped, I had a constant reminder growing inside of me. And as the due date drew nearer, I was growing more and more nervous about what would happen once the baby was here. Taylor had assured me that no matter what the blood tests said, this baby was his, but I couldn’t help but have my doubts. What if he changed his mind? I hated what this pregnancy was doing to us, and I was even more scared about the outcome after I gave birth to this child.

I could feel tears forming in my eyes and hated so much the fact that I couldn’t even let my husband make love to me. I gently pushed his hands away and grabbed my shirt. Taylor quickly straightened up as I pulled my t-shirt over my head. “I’m sorry,” I whispered as I tried to brush away the tears without him seeing.

“No, baby, I’m sorry,” he said as he pulled me into a warm embrace. “I know this is hard for you. I just got carried away.”

“But you didn’t!” I cried. “You’re my husband. You’re supposed to be able to kiss me and hold me and make love to me. I can’t even let you do that because that stupid bastard Seth is still in my head,” I cried. “God, even though he’s dead, he’s still torturing me. I feel so guilty for pushing you away like this!”

“Ede,” Taylor said as he pulled me over to the bed to sit down. “It’s okay. I know that this is going to take time. You were raped. That’s not something that you just get over. And the fact that you’re pregnant only adds to the stress. I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have started …”

“Can we just go to bed?” I whispered. “I’m so tired. I just want to sleep.”

“Yeah,” he nodded as he stood. He pulled back the covers, and I carefully climbed into my side of the bed before Taylor walked over to the door and switched off the light before climbing into the other side of the bed quietly. I rolled over and settled into his arms resting my head on his chest.

Even though my brain was going into overload because of everything that occurred that day, my only thoughts were of sleep. I just needed to get some rest and forget about everything that was happening - even if it was just for a few hours.

“I love you,” I whispered before falling asleep listening to the steady rhythm of his heart.